I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
