capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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