So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone owes me an orgasm
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
