If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
