awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it glows. i had to have it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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