The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
