I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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