I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
