I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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