I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
