I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is Oprah even human
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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