dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Small penises have feelings too.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
