I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
