Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
