Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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