after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I wish there were birth control emojis
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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