i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She said her name was "party"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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