i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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