Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
