i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
