my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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