I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
