So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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