I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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