i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
