my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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