I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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