It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
