If that was your dad, he is hot
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
