chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
