I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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