so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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