i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
