I need to stop coming to work sober
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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