I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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