Can i not drive my cunt home
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
