i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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