i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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