Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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