what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
