I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
