He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
