Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
