I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
