I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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