I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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