I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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