I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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