this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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