i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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