You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
BRING THE BAGELS
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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