Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
