Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I understand Curling. That high.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
