i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
