I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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