I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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